Merlin, What Is Gay?
by TypewriterTardis
Summary: Arthur is back and Merlin isn't quite sure what to do with him.


**A/N: An Arthur reborn drabble-y type thing. Idk. It happened mostly at night so sorry. Actually no, I'm not sorry. I still think it's funny.**

"Merlin, what's happening? What's going on? We're under attack, Merlin! Someone is storming the castle – erm, flat – get me my armor!"

"Arthur – Arthur, calm down! It's fine!"

"No it's not, Merlin, there's an attack!"

"No, Arthur, it's _called_ New Years and people set off fireworks, it's fine. They're _celebrating_."

"Funny way of celebrating."

"Oh my God."

* * *

"Um, Merlin? What is this... thing you've given me?"

"Oh that's a takeaway box. It's Chinese food. It's really good, you'll like it."

"Chinese food? What's Chinese?"

"It means something that's from China."

"What's China?"

"Just eat it, Arthur, please."

* * *

"Merlin. Where are my clothes?"  
"On the chair, I put them out, didn't I? How did you not notice them? Seriously Arthur, I don't know how –"

"What, _these_ things?"

"Yes, Arthur. _Those_ things."

"What sort of clothing is this? It looks like.. I don't even know what it looks like but I'm not wearing it. And these shoes! They look like something a woman would wear, get me my boots!"

"Arthur, those are Converse, they're very stylish these days. And trust me, your old boots look a lot more like something a woman would wear."

* * *

"Merlin, you want me to _touch_ that thing? What _is_ it? It hums. And it's cold inside."

"It's called a refrigerator, Arthur, it's fine. It keeps food cool."

"A _what_?"

"A refrigerator."

"Re – fri – ger – a – tor."

"Yes. Now can you get me the milk?"

"Ah! The handle is cold, Merlin! … Wait, which one is the milk?"

"The one in the – oh never mind, I'll get it."

* * *

"Merlin, what is this thing?"

"Oh, um, that's a … a magazine."

"A what?"

"Um, nothing."

"Merlin, is this even English? Why is there only one direction? Which direction is that? This doesn't even make any sense!"

* * *

"Sorry, but what was that word you just used?"

"Oh it's just some of the local … lingo."

"… Stop smiling at me. You know, I've begun to suspect you do this on purpose."

* * *

"Who are you and what have you done with Merlin?"

"I_ am_ Merlin, stupid."

"No you're not! The Merlin I know would never wear _that_!"

"Oh my God, Arthur, put down the spoon and let go – ow!"

* * *

"Merlin, what does this say?"

"Honestly Arthur, can you even read?"

"Not when it's all … when it's written like this."

"Arthur, this is a thousand times easier to read than archaic texts written in Old English in the 5th century."

* * *

"What is that?"

"What this? It's a rice cooker."

"A what?"  
"A rice cooker. You use it to cook rice."  
"Well I gathered that but what does it_ do_?"

"It … cooks … rice?"

" … "

"Ow!"

* * *

"Ow! Arthur, let go! You haven't even got a sword to fight with!"

"Merlin, I could take you with both hands tied behind my back."

"That sounds like a good sex game."

" … What?"

"Never mind."

* * *

"Merlin, what does pornography mean?"

"Well, um … You know, why don't you look it up on the internet?"  
"You know I hate that _thing_, Merlin."

"It's called a computer, and really. Just do it."

"Why can't you just _tell_ me, Merlin?"  
"It'll be more fun if you just look it up, believe me."  
"But Merlin –"

"Just _do_ it, Arthur!"

…

"Oh – Oh my – Oh my God, Merlin! What is this?"

"That, Arthur, is pornography."

"Oh my God, get it away, it's evil sorcery!"

* * *

"Ah ah hot! Merlin! It _burned_ me!"

"Arthur, I thought I told you not to touch the stove top!"

"Ow, that hurts! Ow, Merlin it – Ow!"

"What will I ever do with you?"  
"Ow, Merlin, hugging me isn't going to help."

"Shhhh, yes it is."

* * *

"Urghhhh..."

"Merlin? Merlin, what is it, what's wrong? Are you hurt?"  
"I'm fine, just … headache."

"No, it must be a curse. Tell me, what do I need to cure it?"  
"Advil, just some Advil."

"Where can I find this … Advil?"

"In the cupboard."  
"I swear to you, I will travel to the ends of the earth for you, Merlin. I won't let you die –"

"The cupboard, Arthur."  
"Ah, yes. Be right back."

* * *

"Merlin... What is gay? I'm getting the sense that it doesn't mean happy any more."

"Oh, um, it's … well, it's when a man loves … another man."

"Oh, I see. Like a father and a son."  
"Er no."

"Then like friends?"  
"Still no."

"Then what?"  
"Well, like … Like a man loves a woman?"  
"…"

"Oh my god, why are you so difficult all the time? Why do I get stuck explaining all this stuff to you? Do you realize how hard it is to explain more than a thousand years of human history to a king who's been dead for most of it?"

"…"

"Fine, just look up homosexuality on Google."

…

"Merlin, I found out what homosexuality is."

"And?"  
"Are we … gay, Merlin?"  
"Um, that's an interesting question. I –"

* * *

"Merlin, are you awake?"

"No."

"Merlin."  
"…"

"Merlin."

"…"

"Fine then, I'll just –"

"No, don't go! Stay … Please?"  
"Haha, I win!"

"Shut up and come back to bed, Arthur."


End file.
